Thursday, December 26, 2013

A Christmas Confession

Confession: I've spent five of the last six Christmases in tears, and unfortunately, not tears of joy. Whether it was because of difficulties in our marriage, issues with family, or pregnancy hormones, there's always been something that has brought me to tears. (And yes, I am admittedly, a cry baby.) And yesterday, well, yesterday I cried because we had to give Madison a bottle of formula.

In an attempt to get ourselves a date night I brought my pump and was trying to pump a little after each feed. However, between all the traveling, getting sick last Sunday, and perhaps not staying hydrated enough in dry Colorado, my supply has obviously dropped and I'm not producing enough for both. Madison was still hungry and my mom and I had to run to the store for formula, delaying our Christmas meal, because I was worried. Add to that Madi's teething, spitting up (still), possibly fighting a cold/cough, refusing to let other people hold her and crying every time I leave or enter a room she's in, and general fussiness and I am just plain tired.

I am tired of the crying, the screaming, the fussiness, and - if I am truly honest - Madison herself. Since we've been traveling so much and Jason was sick before we left I feel like I haven't gotten a break for the past month. I realize I am being my own pity party here and that you don't get a break as a mom and that I'm blessed enough to have family that's been kind enough to take her as much as they can. So we are taking advantage of that tonight!

Tonight Jason and I are going away for the evening and getting a hotel room, leaving Madison with my mom and Jeff. I'll acknowledge the fact that it's more important for my daughter to be nourished with formula than for my pride to try and nurse her. But I'll continue pumping in an attempt to get my supply back up. I'm going to try my best to enjoy this time alone with my hubby and not wonder how Madison is doing and if she's behaving. I'm going to focus on the many blessings I have in my life and stop being so hard on myself and instead remembering to thank the Lord for the gift of His Son yesterday and the gift He gave me in watching over His daughter Madi.

And next year, I'm going to try and keep it together and not cry on Christmas! Maybe. :-)

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