Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Cold Paws

Hey everyone, Zoey here. Queen of the Stingerie household. Or at least I was until that small noise-making thing arrived... but that's a rant for another time.

Today I want to tell you about the horrific experience I had this morning, but first I need to give you some background on what led me to this point of desperation...

Back in March my subjects left me. They abandoned me. For almost three weeks I was left to fend for myself basically alone in this apartment. Okay, okay, CeCe was here with me, but she's horrible company. She just sleeps and never wants to play with me when I jump on her back and bite her. Lame. I had these peasants stop by every couple of days to make sure that my food bowl was working, that my water was replenished, and that my litter box was functioning. But it's not the same as having my subjects.

There was no one to give me treats. No one to let me outside on the patio so I can climb furniture and eat bugs that make me foam at the mouth...

There was no one to curl up and sleep with at night. And no one for me to climb on and receive my daily petting quota.

It was horrible! I felt like my world was caving in and I did the only thing I could do in this terrible situation - I ate myself to comfort. I consoled myself with food. And when my portion of food was gone I consoled myself with my sister's food until my subjects came back.

Since their return, however, I've noticed my appetite hasn't decreased. In fact it's increased and I think my subjects are regulating my food intake. They sneak me outside and close the door to the kitchen and I hear my sister eating... that is plain wrong.

I've also noticed my energy level has decreased and my hair is falling out more than usual. I began searching the Internet for what these symptoms could mean, fearing the worst and knowing I was probably dying. Unfortunately, my search told me that I was not dying. Instead it told me that I was obese. I looked up the healthy cat weight range and I am now outside it. Sigh.

I knew I needed to make a change, but what? Then it hit me. I see one of my subjects in workout clothes daily and she disappears with the pram and the loud, obnoxious thing. Today I decided I would go with them so I could perhaps get on the elliptical machine, maybe the treadmill, and of course lift some weights.

However, once my subject entered the gym and walked through the gate, I panicked. I leapt from beneath the pram, regretful of my decision to workout, and froze. I poofed (how embarrassing) and began shaking as my subject picked me up, left the pram in another room, and carried me back to the safety of my kingdom amidst a rough of laughter from all those around us.

Never again will I entertain such a silly idea! I guess you could say I got cold paws when it comes to working out... But I've decided that I am gorgeous just the way I am and that working out takes too much, well, work. I'd prefer to just nap.

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