Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Twin Tuesday: Confessions from a New Twin Mom

In keeping with the trend of writing Confessions from a Mom-to-Be and then Confessions from a New Mom, I wrote Confessions from a Twin-Mom-to-Be when I was about 30 weeks. Here's the next installment of confessions/thoughts I've had since Evelyn and Olivia were born.

I can't believe the girls are now three months old - the time has really flown by and things are going really well for us. The girls are incredibly laid back and happy babies. In a lot of ways I think that things are going easier for me this time around despite having two babies to care for (and their laid back temperament defintely contributes to that!). Additionally, some of it is experience - things aren't new and scary anymore. I know that it's okay for them to cry some and it's not the end of the world. Breastfeeding isn't as challenging and difficult (which is surprising since I am tandem feeding them still). But I think the biggest reason that things are going smoother and easier this time around is because of me.

I love being a mom...but I wasn't ready for the demands of becoming a mom as I shared in my letter to Madison. I wasn't ready to give up my selfishness and sacrifice myself- mentally and physically- for another person. I thought I was but when the time came, I obviously wasn't and as a result I struggled. I felt resentment spending so much time feeding and holding my baby when I was exhausted and wanted sleep. She cried and cried because of her reflux, but until I knew that I thought I was doing everything imaginable wrong. Perhaps some of my struggles can be blamed on hormones, but it ran deeper than that. I've lived 29 years really only having to think of myself.

Fast forward to now...I've accepted the choice we made in becoming parents to mean sacrifice and less selfishness. It's fortunately become more natural over time as I've embraced being a mom. But I've still got a long way to go....I'm still quick to anger and quick to speak. My temper embarrasses and shocks me sometimes. I'm praying daily for more patience and more strength to be a godly wife and mother. It brought indescribable joy to me when my husband noticed and praised how much better I am doing this time around. I've grown...but I've still got a lot of refining left. I won't ever reach perfection- if I did I wouldn't need the Lord anymore. I'll continue to fail and mess up, but I will ask the Lord, my husband, and my girls for forgiveness and continue to learn from my mistakes.

And I'll continue to cherish holding these sweet baby girls close to me for as long as I can. :-)

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